Adoption Is Not a Plan B – or a Christmas Wish
By Jo Teunissen – Director of the Durban North Baby Home
At The Baby Home, we receive calls and messages every week from people curious about adoption. We love the fact that people want to open their hearts and homes to a child, but some questions leave us utterly speechless. Sometimes we even laugh because the ignorance andentitlement are so spectacular, humour is the only way to process it.
Let’s start by dispelling a few myths. Adoption is not a Plan B. It’s not a backup option, a consolation prize, or something you turn to when life doesn’t go as planned. And it certainly isn’t something you add to a Christmas wish list between a new phone and a scented candle.
Just before Christmas, someone called asking if we could send pictures of “what children we have available,” because their older child had asked for a baby sibling for Christmas. Let that sink in; a little human life, already carrying trauma, in need of care and protection, being expected to fulfil another child’s holiday wish.
Imagine thinking you could pick a child, as if choosing a toy from a catalogue. Browse, select and add to cart. For one of the few times in my life, I was completely speechless.
Adoption is a deliberate, thoughtful, life-altering decision that requires time, education, humility and most importantly, deep respect for the child at its centre.
Then there are requests for very specific children: a particular race, gender, age range that fits a lifestyle, even the “perfect temperament” to blend seamlessly into the family. When we explain that adoption doesn’t work that way, responses range from, “do you know who I am?” to my personal favourite, “can’t you just make an exception for me?”
Last week, a lady called asking for a very specific child. When I explained that this was considered “shopping” and we couldn’t assist, she insisted she could buy anything we needed at the Baby Home, if we helped her find the perfect child. She even added, “I have so much money to spend on this.” I had to pause, take a breath and resist the urge to ask if we could gift-wrap the child too.
Money has never, and will never, be the deciding factor in adoption. Money cannot replace emotional readiness. Status cannot override a child’s needs. Adoption isn’t about what you can buy. It’s about what you can consistently offer and that is safety, stability, and love.
Children are not commodities. Children’s homes are not catalogues. Every child comes with a story that was being written long before you thought about adoption. Adoption is not about finding a child who fits neatly into your life. It’s about reshaping your life to meet the needs of a child.
Timing is another misconception. Adoption is a rigorous process. You cannot wake up one morning and decide you want a child by next week. There are home studies, background checks, social workers, legal processes, interviews, training, and perhaps the hardest part, waiting. This isn’t bureaucracy for the sake of it. It exists to protect children and ensure they are placed into safe, nurturing homes.
Sometimes the requests we get are extreme. We have received calls from women who have faked a pregnancy because they wanted to “keep their man” or ensure their family looked a certain way. Then, suddenly, time is running out, and they want a child immediately. These calls are heartbreaking, not just because of the misguided intentions, but because they show a profound misunderstanding of what adoption is.
The lesson we’ve learned from these calls is clear: we need better education about adoption. When people approach adoption with humility, patience, and a willingness to learn, those conversations are beautiful. When they approach it with entitlement or urgency, its obvious adoption has been misunderstood.
So yes, sometimes we laugh, but more often, we educate. Because adoption deserves respect, not arrogance. Thoughtfulness, not impulse. It requires And a clear understanding that children are human beings,—not accessories, after thoughts, or presents.
About the Author
Joanne Teunissen is an advocate for vulnerable women and children and the director of the Durban North Baby Home, a place of safety for abandoned and vulnerable babies. With a deep belief in love, dignity, and second chances, Joanne and her team work to ensure that every child and every mother is seen, heard, and valued. To support or learn more, visit www.babyhome.org.za